houseofsix

Another Dave Barry classic...(AKA Len & MaryAnne LOL)

2010-07-26T16:11:00.001-07:00

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-08T06:56:00.001-07:00

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Life Envy

2010-01-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

The philosopher Odo Marquard has noted a correlation in the German language between the word zwei, which means "two," and the word zweifel, which means "doubt"—suggesting that two of anything brings the automatic possibility of uncertainty to our lives. Now imagine a life in which every day a person is presented with not two or even three but dozens of choices, and you can begin to grasp why the modern world has become, even with all its advantages, a neurosis-generating machine of the highest order. In a world of such abundant possibility, many of us simply go limp from indecision. Or we derail our life's journey again and again, backing up to try the doors we neglected on the first round, desperate to get it right this time. Or we become compulsive comparers—always measuring our lives against some other person's life, secretly wondering if we should have taken her path instead.

Compulsive comparing, of course, only leads to debilitating cases of what Nietzsche called Lebensneid, or "life envy": the certainty that somebody else is much luckier than you, and that if only you had her body, her husband, her children, her job, everything would be easy and wonderful and happy. (A therapist friend of mine defines this problem simply as "the condition by which all of my single patients secretly long to be married, and all of my married patients secretly long to be single.")
~Excerpt from "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert

Just another Black Friday....

2009-11-26T20:51:00.000-08:00

Facebook Tips from The Onion

2009-10-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

2009-10-05T12:49:00.000-07:00

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; alI I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that cou ld be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Life's a Party. Crash it.

2009-09-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

Jeremy: The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer, he said, at that moment when a human sees another human in danger, that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness. Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?

Gloria: What?

Jeremy: That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone--with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from "What's Happening!", The Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote "Catcher in the Rye," Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother--we're all one.

Gloria: We are?

Worry

2009-08-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents may become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's their life,' and feel nothing? When I was in my twenties , I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they are out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you may sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you may stop worrying. They'll be adults.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids are married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?'

May it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became very irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile.

The torch has been passed.

Being a Mother

2009-05-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby. That Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "Normal" is history.

Somebody said being a mother is boring.... That Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good". That Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said good mothers never raise their voices. That Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother. That Somebody never helped a fourth grader with her math.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books. That Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said you can't love the fourth child as much as you love the first. That Somebody doesn't have four children.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery. That Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarden. Or on a plane headed for "military boot camp".

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back. That Somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married. That Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home. That Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows that you love her, so you don't need to tell her. That Somebody isn't a mother.

Cinco de Mayo

2009-05-05T15:46:00.001-07:00

A white guy, a black guy, a Mexican, a Polish guy all walk into a bar.
Bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Earth Day

2009-04-22T12:12:00.001-07:00

Girls Gone Wild! It's a great website! And the girls make it fun! www.theguidegirls.com

Area 51 (Do the Math) -- Scary, huh?

2009-03-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

2009-02-27T13:10:00.000-08:00

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the family room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

The Stimulus Package

2009-02-19T09:50:00.001-08:00

Norman Thomas said this in a 1944 speech: "The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism. But, under the name of "liberalism", they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened." He went on to say: "I no longer need to run as a Presidential Candidate for the Socialist Party. The Democratic Party has adopted our platform."

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T04:55:00.000-08:00

One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in again. ~ Judith Viorst

Super Bowl Halftime Review

2009-02-03T09:19:00.000-08:00

So my daughter, Stevie, goes to Syracuse University and takes an Honors class called "Music & Lyrics". And the assignment this week was to incorporate the week's readings (quoted at the bottom). As the forces of the universe converged, The Boss performed the halftime show at the Super Bowl. And an idiot guy over at a yahoo music blog wrote a ridiculous, scathing review. This is Stevie's response, which I must say is better than anything I could have said myself:

And The Big Man Joined The Band
Super Bowl Sunday would have gone unnoticed this year. And last. And the year before—had it not been for the halftime shows. The Boss’s shout out to the viewers at home with their guacamole and wings, jamming to “American Girl” as Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Mick Jagger in his leather pants dancing on the Forty Licks-shaped stage, Paul McCartney’s comeback, Justin Timberlake’s joint performance with Janet Jackson’s—um—exposure. THAT is the Super Bowl. That’s the only reason I unmuted the TV and looked up from my mile-high homework pile. Big Ben can run plays as much as he wants, the Big Man and the Boss were the ones scoring touchdowns this past Sunday.

Yet as I sat down with my morning coffee to peruse my email, I came across a Yahoo! article that shook me to the core. “The 10 Unforgivable Sins of Bruce Springsteen’s Performance At The Super Bowl” by Rob O’Connor. Springsteen reviewed as “too corny for his own good,” “Makes me wish there had been a wardrobe malfunction.” New negative perceptions of the musician I grew up admiring; the musician that set the standard for the rest of my musical interest. Ten reasons why Springsteen didn’t perform to par. “10 Unforgivable Sins.”

Hadn’t Rolling Stone’s cover story of the Boss praised Working on A Dream as the best album Springsteen and the Band had cut in a decade? Hadn’t tour dates been announced, hadn’t tickets sold out immediately? Springsteen is pushing 60 and performing like he was when he released Born to Run. Bruce Springsteen—“hokey”?

So I plugged in “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out” on my iPod speakers, volume cranked to decibel level 32; it’s important, I tell my studying roommate. I’m having a crisis of faith.

Horns beckon the beginning of the song. The opening drums roll into the banging piano. And then the vocals begin with intensity, power, and emotion. A song forms. A story is told. A halftime show begins. I dance around my dorm in red cowboy boots, a bandana around my forehead a la Steven Van Zandt, and “I’m gonna sit back right easy and laugh” (Springsteen, “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out”).

And so to you, Rob O’Connor: “Hey, this wasn’t made for you” (Utah Phillips, as quoted by Jeffery Rogers).

Groundhog Day - Sorry Folks, It's Another 6 Weeks

2009-02-02T05:53:00.000-08:00

This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather. ~ Phil Connors

AND.....

When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter. ~ Phil Connors

Are Ya Ready for Some Football?

2009-02-01T06:51:00.000-08:00

Favorite Super Bowl Commercials

2009-01-31T07:55:00.001-08:00

Tough decision but, in the end, these are my absolute favorites!

It's Super Bowl Time!

2009-01-30T08:44:00.000-08:00

What makes a great Super Bowl quote? Having the guts to speak your mind; or, on the flip side, not knowing when to stick a sock in it. Here are some choice examples of both.

“Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.” – former Oilers coach Bill Peterson.

“I don’t like this place. It’s for people with arthritis. They come here to play golf and to die.” – Steelers DT Ernie Holmes, before Super Bowl X in Miami.

“Terry Bradshaw couldn't spell cat if you spotted him the C and the A.” – Cowboys LB Hollywood Henderson, before Super Bowl XIII.

“We’re going to win on Sunday. I guarantee it.” – Jets QB Joe Namath, before Super Bowl III.

“How long have you been a black quarterback?” – Asked of Redskins QB Doug Williams before Super Bowl XLII.

One Last Look Back....

2009-01-02T10:13:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T12:06:00.000-08:00

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

New Year's Resolutions for Other People by G. Tracy Mehan, III

2008-12-30T14:48:00.000-08:00

As a miserable 2008 comes to a close, it is a time when many Americans will make New Year's resolutions.

I have given up making such declarations. For nearly 35 years I have resolved to undertake many self-improvement projects for the New Year: lose weight, learn French, quit swearing, write a book. So far I am batting .000 relative to these good, but, so far, unattainable intentions.

This year I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to suggest some useful resolutions for other people who might benefit from some serious thinking on how to improve their lives in the coming year.

Sarah Palin. Governor, only you can evaluate the relative priorities between remaining in public life versus managing your vibrant, lively family and household. But if you want to progress in politics, I would suggest finding common, non-ideological ground to occupy which would allow you to re-introduce yourself to independents and moderate Democrats. You should make support for special needs children your paramount, non-political cause. As a spokeswoman, a fundraiser, and advocate, drawing upon your personal experience, you can highlight the worth of these kids, the love they bring to parents and families, strike a blow for the culture of life and build trust and appreciation among many reasonable Americans who may not have quite gotten into the Zen of your vice-presidential candidacy.

Oh yes, if you stay in politics, a stint in the U.S. Senate would probably set you up nicely for national leadership after you immerse yourself in the intricacies of foreign policy and national security. You would improve, markedly, the image of the Alaska delegation, which has not distinguished itself in terms either of ethics or policy.

Mitch McConnell. I do not agree with David Frum on many things, but he was absolutely right about your role as Senate Republican Leader: you now lead the single most important political institution from the perspective of right-of-center governance, the Senate Republican Caucus. You and your small band are like the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae except with only a fraction of the troops. House Republicans are hopelessly outnumbered. You are all that stands in the way of a completely Europeanized America besotted with high taxes, corporate bailouts as far as the eye can see, and anemic economic growth. My advice: focus on only the really big issues and call upon your fellow Republicans to find their inner conservative, eschewing scandal, pork and small matters. You are The Man. Run with it. Your standing tall behind and with your stalwart colleague, Senator Bob Corker (R-TN), on the Detroit bailout was spot on. Leadership has to come from the front.

Senate and House Republicans. Forget the earmarks. Think really hard about entitlement reform. Better yet, start hammering out a solid proposal for deflecting this killer meteor coming at us within our lifetime. I assume it will have to incorporate some kind of base-closing mechanism that delegates the actual work to an unelected body that would come back to Congress with legislation for an up or down vote on the entire package sans amendments. You will probably have to give up worrying about the next Farm Bill or that new federal building in your district for the time being. As bad as the current spending situation is, and the inevitable tax increases to follow, the $40-50 trillion liability now facing us dwarfs every other domestic and foreign threat except loose nukes and other WMDs.

President-Elect Obama. You are an impressive human being and, now, a historic figure. But your statement that deciding when human rights attach to unborn children was "above my pay grade" was pretty lame. I doubt that even your own supporters believed it. I sincerely hope you would eventually abandon this feigned agnosticism and embrace a more robust view of the rights of the unborn, but I am a realist.

So let me offer some hard-boiled political advice. Don't alienate the many independent and moderate-to-conservative Democrats who voted for you on economic grounds by actively supporting the Freedom of Choice Act. Many of us will be doing everything within our power to derail this monstrosity of a bill in Congress. Let it be. As your SNL impersonator might say, be "cool." Keep Senator Casey of Pennsylvania and those many new Democratic House members, from formerly Republican districts, happy or at least semi-contented. You have enough to worry about with the economy Chernobyl-ing right now.

United Auto Workers. Consider how a lower-paying job beats no job at all.

Chris Matthews. Please run for that open Senate seat in the Keystone State for which you pine. I think I would enjoy supporting the GOP in Pennsylvania. Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) is a bit more liberal than I am, but next to you he is Barry Goldwater re-incarnated. I will enjoy all the attack ads replaying many of your past television shows for the benefit of the voters up there.

Wall Street Operators and those formerly known as Masters of the Universe. Give all you have to the poor, after setting aside a modest amount for your wives and children, and join a Trappist monastery.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T01:54:00.001-08:00

It's Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T06:38:00.000-08:00

"Dear Editor--I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, 'If you see it in The Sun, it's so.' Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?"

Virginia O'Hanlon
115 West Ninety-fifth Street

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no child-like faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Christmas Vacation

2008-12-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny frigging Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white arse down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of A-holes this side of the nuthouse." ~Clark Griswold

Martha & Erma

2008-12-22T06:35:00.000-08:00

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

Then, to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room. By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

While the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the hand-sewn buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long. I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love, Martha

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma Bombeck

Dear Martha:

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list. Pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter off for school, packing a lunch with one hand-on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing; frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispies snowball recipe unless you like food that resembles puke! Smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

2008-12-20T08:15:00.000-08:00

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell they go.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Even in L.A..... Baby It's Cold Outside!

2008-12-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

It's not "White Christmas", but still a great holiday film that gets better with every viewing.

A Holiday Classic

2008-12-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

A Kindly Saint

2008-12-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

December 6th, is St. Nicholas Day, the day designated by the Catholic Church in its Calendar of Saints to honor the man named Nicholas who was Bishop of Myra, which is now a part of Turkey, and noted for his saintly life. His birth date is unknown, but December 6th is the generally agreed upon date of his death and it is this date that is celebrated in the Catholic and Orthodox Churches as well as a secular holiday in many countries.

Nicholas lived in the fourth century and died in 342 A.D. He was the son of a wealthy family who became a monk in his teens and later a priest and Bishop. Following the death of his parent's, he used his inheritance to help those in need. His acts of kindness and mercy were legendary and he became known throughout Christendom as a saintly man.

During the Middle Ages the harsh dreariness of everyday life was mitigated somewhat by the festivities that surrounded the feast days of popular, well known saints. Nicholas, as patron saint of children became very popular and his feast day widely celebrated.

The Protestant Reformation in the fifteenth century attempted to do away with the honoring of saints but ran into difficulty with Nicholas because his feast day had become as much a part of the secular culture as the religious. In many European countries the gift giving aspect of St. Nicholas day was merged into the gift giving of Christmas and attempts were made to replace St. Nicholas with fictional secular characters. All of these fictional secular characters shared the same saintly characteristics of Nicholas – love and care for children, giving secretly at night without expectation of receiving anything in return, etc. As has been the case with other religious and secular zealots, the attempts to eradicate St. Nicholas and the celebrations and festivities associated with him failed in the long run.

St. Nicholas / Santa Claus merged into Christmas and, following the publication of Clement Moore's famous poem, The Night Before Christmas, his fame began to grow in the U.S.

Today the Feast of St. Nicholas continues to be celebrated in various parts of the world and, upon waking up on December 6th, children in many parts of the world find candy and other little treats or gifts left in their shoes or stockings by the good saint as he made his rounds during the night.

Christmas has always been more than just a religious holiday. Today it is more secular than in the past, but it has always been celebrated with gifts and other festivities. However, the message of peace, brotherhood and good will which is central to the Christmas season is a message everyone can appreciate. As to commercialization, we must remember that St. Nicholas came from a wealthy family and did not hesitate to use his wealth to purchase the things he gave to those in distress. For the past seventeen centuries, parents have honored him by buying gifts on his feast or on Christmas and secretly giving them to their children as gifts from St. Nicholas. So the season has always had its commercial aspects. After all, St. Nicholas is the patron saint of both the children who are the focus of much of the gift giving as well as the merchants who sell the gifts.

Trying to Get Into the Spirit of the Season...

2008-12-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

It's My Most Favorite Day of the Year

2008-11-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

2008-11-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-26T10:56:00.000-08:00

To All Our Family and Friends:

Just a note to let you know we are hoping to see you Thanksgiving Day. But…

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don’t own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it. I hope you aren’t too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

The Bail Out Explained

2008-11-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

Finally a clear and understandable explanation of the bail out (or why my checkbook looks like it does).

How Rude Are You? Take the Test!

2008-11-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

Eighty percent of Americans think that rudeness is a serious national problem, but 99 percent of the same people say that they themselves are not rude. So how rude are you?

1. Are you chronically late?
Yes
No

2. Have you ever typed an e-mail while talking on the phone?
Yes
No

3. Have you ever interrupted a face-to-face conversation to take a non-urgent cell phone call?
Yes
No

4. Have you gone through a supermarket 10-item express lane with more than 10 items?
Yes
No

5. While among friends or co-workers, have you yawned without covering your mouth?
Yes
No

6. Have you ever texted or talked on a cell phone in a movie theater?
Yes
No

7. Have you let your dog relieve himself on your neighbor's lawn?
Yes
No

8. Have you ever cut in front of someone in line?
Yes
No

9. Have you ever stolen someone's parking spot?
Yes
No

10. Have you ever let your child kick the back of the seat in front of him and not apologized to his victim?
Yes
No

11. Have you ever not RSVP'd to an event by the date requested?
Yes
No

12. Have you ever gossiped?
Yes
No

13. Have you ever taken someone else's food or drink from the office refrigerator?
Yes
No

Indigo Children... Are You One? Got One in Your House?

2008-11-10T13:21:00.000-08:00

What is an Indigo Child? As a summary, here are the ten attributes that best describe this new kind of child, the Indigo Child.

They come into the world with a feeling of royalty (and often act like it).

They have a feeling of "deserving to be here," and are surprised when others don't share that.

Self-worth is not a big issue. They often tell the parents "who they are."

They have difficulty with absolute authority (authority without explanation or choice).

They simply will not do certain things; for example, waiting in line is difficult for them.

They get frustrated with systems that are ritually oriented and don't require creative thought.

They often see better ways of doing things, both at home and in school, which makes them seem like "system busters" (nonconforming to any system).

They seem antisocial unless they are with their own kind. If there are no others of like consciousness around them, they often turn inward, feeling like no other human understands them. School is often extremely difficult for them socially.

They will not respond to "guilt" discipline ("Wait till your father gets home and finds out what you did").

They are not shy in letting you know what they need.

A New Era?

2008-11-05T05:59:00.000-08:00

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.

"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..."

"Today you voted."

Election 2008

2008-11-03T18:55:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-27T18:14:00.001-07:00

Halloween Humor

2008-10-25T14:50:00.001-07:00

The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kid what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

2008-10-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

2008-10-15T08:56:00.000-07:00

The key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like. It's true of the Fall lines at Fashion Week, and it's true of relationships.

The Onion News Network

2008-10-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

Extreme Weather Alert: Meteorologists Predict Intensely Brisk Autumn

2008-10-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. ~Hunter S. Thompson

The Bail Out

2008-09-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Blessed are the young, for they will inherit the national debt. ~Herbert Hoover

Nice Tips

2008-09-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

2008-09-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them. And you have their shoes. ~ Freida Norris

It's County Fair Time!

2008-08-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

And some more.....

Ya gotta love L.A.!

Da Boss

2008-08-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

Lights out tonight, trouble in the heartland
Got a head-on collision smashin' in my guts, man
I'm caught in a cross fire that I don't understand
But there's one thing I know for sure girl
I don't give a damn for the same old played out scenes
I don't give a damn for just the in betweens
Honey, I want the heart, I want the soul, I want control right now
Talk about a dream, try to make it real
You wake up in the night with a fear so real
Spend your life waiting for a moment that just don't come
Well, don't waste your time waiting

2008-08-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

"I recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have underestimated the universal desire to sit in a hard plastic chair and stare at a screen until your eyes cross.” ~David Sedaris

Earthquakes & Sharks

2008-08-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

It's actually an amazing song but only this snippet was available on YouTube. Turn up the volume. A real crowd pleaser. Makes me want to take a Learning Annex animation course to complete it. Not.

2008-08-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

Once a man was walking along a beach. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. Off in the distance he could see a child going back and forth between the surf's edge and and the beach. Back and forth this child went. As the man approached he could see that there were hundreds of starfish stranded on the sand as the result of the natural action of the tide.

The man was struck by the the apparent futility of the task. There were far too many starfish. Many of them were sure to perish. As he approached, the child continued the task of picking up starfish one by one and throwing them into the surf.

As he came up to the child he said, "You are wasting your time. There are thousands of miles of beach covered with starfish. You can't possibly make a difference." The child looked at the man. He then stooped down and picked up one more starfish and threw it back into the ocean. He turned back to the man and said, "It sure made a difference to that one!"

2008-07-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

The Impressive Clergyman: Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...

The Impressive Clergyman: And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva...

The Impressive Clergyman: So tweasure your wuv.

Prince Humperdinck: Skip to the end.

The Impressive Clergyman: Have you the wing?

The Impressive Clergyman: ...and do you, Pwincess Buwwercup...

Prince Humperdinck: Man and wife. Say man and wife.

The Impressive Clergyman: Man an' wife.

Summer Girl

2008-07-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

2008-07-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?

Independence Day

2008-07-04T13:03:00.001-07:00

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. ~Erma Bombeck

2008-06-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

"Does the moon have a purpose?" she inquired of Prince Charming.

Prince Charming pretended that she had asked a silly question. Perhaps she had.

Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not.

Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and an end.

Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of the bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.

There is only one serious question. And that is: Who knows how to make love stay?

Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself.

Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and the end of time.

Answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon.

2008-05-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

"Do you believe in love?" he said.

"What?" I said.

"Do you believe in love?"

Sometimes I believe that love dies but hope springs eternal. Sometimes I believe that hope dies but love springs eternal. Sometimes I believe that sex plus guilt equals love, and sometimes I believe that sex plus guilt equals good sex. Sometimes I believe that love is as natural as the tides, and sometimes I believe that love is an act of will. Sometimes I believe that some people are better at love than others, and sometimes I believe that everyone is faking it. Sometimes I believe that love is essential, and sometimes I believe that the only reason love is essential is that otherwise you spend all your time looking for it.

"Yes," I said. "I do."

2008-04-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

LA-- where you see more stars at restaurants than in the sky at night, either way we don't really overreact; everyone moves here if they can afford it, you party with the rich and famous and ask ‘em for their number instead of their autograph, fashion may not be started in LA (except big sunglasses, we started that), but it’s revolutionized here, and the girls can ACTUALLY dance (sorry east coast). IN N OUT does not mean we're hurrying, it just means we're hungry. MELROSE isn't a 90s tv show, it’s where we shop and if you don't know Fred Segal, you need to meet him, cuz he's the man; after the sun sets everyone goes to sunset; white guys call black friends "bros", black men call white guys "dudes", Gold is your color, it jus depends if u like powder blue or cardinal with it; the only four seasons we know is the hotel, chili isn't a temperature, its a food; there's an eastside and a westside, but at least we're not the valley ; )- people ask us if its ever cloudy, and we respond, wut is this word "cloudy" --and don't even ask me where the "shore" is, cuz i don't know, but the beach is about 5 mins from everywhere--- from gangs to girls, parties and pimpin’, friends to fun, beauty to beezy's, palisades to pasadena, compton to carson, westchester to westwood, beverly hills to brentwood, and long beach to the beach near you, WE ALL LOVE LA and there's no better place in the WORLD.

2006-08-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

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