New Year's Resolutions for Other People by G. Tracy Mehan, III

As a miserable 2008 comes to a close, it is a time when many Americans will make New Year's resolutions.

I have given up making such declarations. For nearly 35 years I have resolved to undertake many self-improvement projects for the New Year: lose weight, learn French, quit swearing, write a book. So far I am batting .000 relative to these good, but, so far, unattainable intentions.

This year I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to suggest some useful resolutions for other people who might benefit from some serious thinking on how to improve their lives in the coming year.

Sarah Palin. Governor, only you can evaluate the relative priorities between remaining in public life versus managing your vibrant, lively family and household. But if you want to progress in politics, I would suggest finding common, non-ideological ground to occupy which would allow you to re-introduce yourself to independents and moderate Democrats. You should make support for special needs children your paramount, non-political cause. As a spokeswoman, a fundraiser, and advocate, drawing upon your personal experience, you can highlight the worth of these kids, the love they bring to parents and families, strike a blow for the culture of life and build trust and appreciation among many reasonable Americans who may not have quite gotten into the Zen of your vice-presidential candidacy.

Oh yes, if you stay in politics, a stint in the U.S. Senate would probably set you up nicely for national leadership after you immerse yourself in the intricacies of foreign policy and national security. You would improve, markedly, the image of the Alaska delegation, which has not distinguished itself in terms either of ethics or policy.

Mitch McConnell. I do not agree with David Frum on many things, but he was absolutely right about your role as Senate Republican Leader: you now lead the single most important political institution from the perspective of right-of-center governance, the Senate Republican Caucus. You and your small band are like the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae except with only a fraction of the troops. House Republicans are hopelessly outnumbered. You are all that stands in the way of a completely Europeanized America besotted with high taxes, corporate bailouts as far as the eye can see, and anemic economic growth. My advice: focus on only the really big issues and call upon your fellow Republicans to find their inner conservative, eschewing scandal, pork and small matters. You are The Man. Run with it. Your standing tall behind and with your stalwart colleague, Senator Bob Corker (R-TN), on the Detroit bailout was spot on. Leadership has to come from the front.

Senate and House Republicans. Forget the earmarks. Think really hard about entitlement reform. Better yet, start hammering out a solid proposal for deflecting this killer meteor coming at us within our lifetime. I assume it will have to incorporate some kind of base-closing mechanism that delegates the actual work to an unelected body that would come back to Congress with legislation for an up or down vote on the entire package sans amendments. You will probably have to give up worrying about the next Farm Bill or that new federal building in your district for the time being. As bad as the current spending situation is, and the inevitable tax increases to follow, the $40-50 trillion liability now facing us dwarfs every other domestic and foreign threat except loose nukes and other WMDs.

President-Elect Obama. You are an impressive human being and, now, a historic figure. But your statement that deciding when human rights attach to unborn children was "above my pay grade" was pretty lame. I doubt that even your own supporters believed it. I sincerely hope you would eventually abandon this feigned agnosticism and embrace a more robust view of the rights of the unborn, but I am a realist.

So let me offer some hard-boiled political advice. Don't alienate the many independent and moderate-to-conservative Democrats who voted for you on economic grounds by actively supporting the Freedom of Choice Act. Many of us will be doing everything within our power to derail this monstrosity of a bill in Congress. Let it be. As your SNL impersonator might say, be "cool." Keep Senator Casey of Pennsylvania and those many new Democratic House members, from formerly Republican districts, happy or at least semi-contented. You have enough to worry about with the economy Chernobyl-ing right now.

United Auto Workers. Consider how a lower-paying job beats no job at all.

Chris Matthews. Please run for that open Senate seat in the Keystone State for which you pine. I think I would enjoy supporting the GOP in Pennsylvania. Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) is a bit more liberal than I am, but next to you he is Barry Goldwater re-incarnated. I will enjoy all the attack ads replaying many of your past television shows for the benefit of the voters up there.

Wall Street Operators and those formerly known as Masters of the Universe. Give all you have to the poor, after setting aside a modest amount for your wives and children, and join a Trappist monastery.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Eve

"Dear Editor--I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, 'If you see it in The Sun, it's so.' Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?"

Virginia O'Hanlon
115 West Ninety-fifth Street

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no child-like faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Christmas Vacation

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny frigging Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white arse down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of A-holes this side of the nuthouse." ~Clark Griswold

Martha & Erma

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

Then, to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room. By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

While the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the hand-sewn buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long. I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love, Martha

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.


Response from Erma Bombeck

Dear Martha:

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list. Pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter off for school, packing a lunch with one hand-on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing; frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispies snowball recipe unless you like food that resembles puke! Smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell they go.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Even in L.A..... Baby It's Cold Outside!

It's not "White Christmas", but still a great holiday film that gets better with every viewing.

A Holiday Classic

A Kindly Saint

December 6th, is St. Nicholas Day, the day designated by the Catholic Church in its Calendar of Saints to honor the man named Nicholas who was Bishop of Myra, which is now a part of Turkey, and noted for his saintly life. His birth date is unknown, but December 6th is the generally agreed upon date of his death and it is this date that is celebrated in the Catholic and Orthodox Churches as well as a secular holiday in many countries.

Nicholas lived in the fourth century and died in 342 A.D. He was the son of a wealthy family who became a monk in his teens and later a priest and Bishop. Following the death of his parent's, he used his inheritance to help those in need. His acts of kindness and mercy were legendary and he became known throughout Christendom as a saintly man.

During the Middle Ages the harsh dreariness of everyday life was mitigated somewhat by the festivities that surrounded the feast days of popular, well known saints. Nicholas, as patron saint of children became very popular and his feast day widely celebrated.

The Protestant Reformation in the fifteenth century attempted to do away with the honoring of saints but ran into difficulty with Nicholas because his feast day had become as much a part of the secular culture as the religious. In many European countries the gift giving aspect of St. Nicholas day was merged into the gift giving of Christmas and attempts were made to replace St. Nicholas with fictional secular characters. All of these fictional secular characters shared the same saintly characteristics of Nicholas – love and care for children, giving secretly at night without expectation of receiving anything in return, etc. As has been the case with other religious and secular zealots, the attempts to eradicate St. Nicholas and the celebrations and festivities associated with him failed in the long run.

St. Nicholas / Santa Claus merged into Christmas and, following the publication of Clement Moore's famous poem, The Night Before Christmas, his fame began to grow in the U.S.

Today the Feast of St. Nicholas continues to be celebrated in various parts of the world and, upon waking up on December 6th, children in many parts of the world find candy and other little treats or gifts left in their shoes or stockings by the good saint as he made his rounds during the night.

Christmas has always been more than just a religious holiday. Today it is more secular than in the past, but it has always been celebrated with gifts and other festivities. However, the message of peace, brotherhood and good will which is central to the Christmas season is a message everyone can appreciate. As to commercialization, we must remember that St. Nicholas came from a wealthy family and did not hesitate to use his wealth to purchase the things he gave to those in distress. For the past seventeen centuries, parents have honored him by buying gifts on his feast or on Christmas and secretly giving them to their children as gifts from St. Nicholas. So the season has always had its commercial aspects. After all, St. Nicholas is the patron saint of both the children who are the focus of much of the gift giving as well as the merchants who sell the gifts.

Trying to Get Into the Spirit of the Season...